DI Ch 201

His breathing mixed in with the agitated tone was unsettling. It seemed like he was on the verge of hyperventilating, I immediately reached out and pulled his head into an embrace. I tried to calm him down, but no matter how much I stroked him, his stiffened neck and back muscles wouldn’t relax.

“Hyung, breathe. Breathe properly. Please.”

I could feel his body tensing up under my palms. It’s not like something would happen if he just relaxed, but he couldn’t seem to release the tension, remaining tense and rigid.

Through the towel that was obscuring my view, I could hear his sobs mixed with desperate curses, calling this place hell. I reached for his eyes, hoping to wipe away any tears. I wanted to wipe away every last drop, but my rain-soaked hand slipped, making it hard to tell if he was actually crying.

“This isn’t hell. Why would it be hell? Don’t think like that. No, but even if it were, do you think I wouldn’t follow you wherever you go? You know well that I’d follow you even if you told me not to. Whether my heels get scraped or my legs break on that path, that’s for me to bear, and you just… well, you…”

“…”

“…Could just carry me on your back, right?”

I stopped my rambling meant to tell him not to blame himself. But then I stopped, wondering if I was even making sense. The words sounded ridiculous. And even if I spoke, I knew nothing I said would comfort or soothe him right now.

The fact that I couldn’t keep my mouth shut shows how flustered I really was. I was actually quite shocked by the mention of hell. Because I thought he would be the type to make a rational and cold judgment faster than me, saying it’s just a place where people live, whether it’s in a novel or not. So it didn’t make sense for him to deny reality like this now.

“Why… Why are you still there…”

His voice was low and strained, as though he were choking on blood, while quietly curled up and struggling to steady his breathing. His gloomy voice was heart-wrenching.

“How long have you been there? From the beginning? The pain was because of me too, right? It was because I did something foolish, wasn’t it?”

“Hyung, no. How is trying to protect me foolish?”

He’s not the type to ask such things directly. It was my fault. Damn it, why did I let that slip? Tears welled up suddenly. Even though I had decided never to talk about it, I lost my temper, got swept up in a moment of anger at Lee Hyun-wook, and let it out. Even so, I shouldn’t have done that. Not to Hyung. I shouldn’t have let him find out this way.

My body went limp. The hope he had clung to, that we could meet again because we had shared that moment of death, was shattered into despair because of me. If I had stayed silent, that painful Illusion would have rotted away quietly in the debris of the past.

Hyung is a strong person, but he becomes both stronger and weaker because of me.Even if I didn’t know it before, I now know it well, and yet I left him alone. I let him become weak. This was no different than deliberately trying to strike down and weaken the person I love with my own hands. In the end, I was the problem again.

“So you’ve been with my corpse all this time?”

“That…”

His precarious voice somehow sounded fragile, sending chills down my spine. It reminded me of that time. Restlessly, I moved away from him and grabbed his hands. Forcing him to touch my cheeks, I whispered constantly, trying to let him know that I was alive, that I was by his side.

“No, I’m not, that’s not it. I’m not there anymore. Even if I was, it was for such a short time that I don’t even remember. I can barely think about it. But I’m here now, aren’t I? I’m by your side.”

So we’re okay, right?

“…It’s not okay at all.”

“…Hyung?”

“I said it’s not okay. How the hell is this okay? What exactly is okay about this?”

I tried to calm him down by saying that everything was fine now since we were together, but it backfired. Rather, as if those words were the trigger, he gritted his teeth as if he had let go of the rationality he had been desperately holding onto.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why do you always do this? You’re always like this. You’ve never properly told me anything. You say you won’t do it, but why do you keep doing it? Do you really think everything will be fine if you just stay quiet? Is it over if you’re the only one suffering? Do you honestly believe that everything will be okay if you keep it all to yourself? Still?”

The low voice, desperate and even sharp, suddenly stopped unnaturally. He was struggling to catch his breath and his eyes reddened. There were no tears, but I could see his dilated pupils regaining focus.

“Seung-won, I…”

When he finally held my hand, I realized I had just been sitting there, completely out of it, merely listening. Maybe it was because of the cold rain. I was shivering, my shoulders trembling. As I came back to my senses and looked at his face again, he pressed his trembling lips against the back of my hand, the same one I had been using to try to quiet him. My body kept shaking, which must have seemed pathetic to him.

“That’s not it. I didn’t mean to scold you. It just hurts me so much to see you like this…”

He pressed his lips to the back of my hand, then moved his forehead against it, squeezing his eyes shut. It was as if he was trying to gather his thoughts, or maybe he just couldn’t bear to look me in the eyes.

“This isn’t your fault, I know it isn’t, but I just got frustrated… Don’t apologize. You’re in pain right now. You’re like this because you’re hurting. It’s not your fault.”

He spoke before I could even apologize. How could this not be my fault? I should have said everything instead of keeping silent inadequately. I admired and loved his maturity, but this wasn’t right. Ah, this isn’t maturity. He’s just pushing himself too hard.

Suddenly, I remembered the past. There were a few times when friends jokingly asked why my personality was like this, but knowing it was just a casual joke, I didn’t pay much attention. But one day, Lee Hyun-wook said it. He whispered to me that kids who grew up being beaten turn out like this. He said he was like that too. or some reason, that memory resurfaced now.

“…Hyung, I’m cold.”

Using the excuse of being cold from the rain, we went into the bathroom together. Not caring if our clothes got wet or not, I turned on the water, and we sat down on the bathroom floor, holding each other tightly under the shower. Hoping that even our hearts would warm up, I tightened my arms around him.

When our cold bodies started to warm up, the bathroom was filled with misty steam. The temperature became so comfortable that I couldn’t find the words to speak.

“…Hyung, do you think it would have been better if we had died on the same day at the same time than it is now?”

“Yes.”

I blinked slowly at the answer that came without hesitation. Well, I guess there wouldn’t have been any pain, at least…

“I mean… sure, maybe that would’ve been better than this. But even now, don’t think of it so negatively. There will be good things for me, too.”

I stroked the back of his head as he nuzzled into my neck, and he tightened his grip around my waist.

“No matter how I think about it, it seems like it’s only good for me.”

“No, it’s not. For example, um.”

What could there be?  I tried to think of something, stroking his hair and patting his back. It was good that I’d calmed him down, but my mind wasn’t working. Maybe I could say that between us, I was the one who lived the longest? No, that wouldn’t make sense. We weren’t truly alive or dead back then, and in this situation, it didn’t sound like a positive thing. So, what else?

“There’s nothing, right…”

“Wait a moment.”

“Shit, it really is only you who doesn’t get anything.”

“Ah, there is. There’s more than you think. Quite a lot actually.”

“Then why can’t you say it?”

“Just wait. There are things, but there are so many that I don’t know where to start.”

But the truth was, I had no idea what to say. I couldn’t think of anything. Besides, if we were to die at the same time, that would mean Hyung would have to let me die. Why would he hold onto that stubborn idea when I knew he’d protect me no matter what? Even if things were different, I can’t imagine a scenario where Tae Seong-je wouldn’t try to save me. I can’t picture him just letting me go without doing everything to keep me alive.

“Hyung.”

“See? There’s nothing.”

“…”

It was when enough time had passed for our fingers to wrinkle. When I called out softly, he immediately responded as if he had been waiting all this time. I was planning to admit it readily. I really couldn’t find any good points, I didn’t have the confidence to persuade him, and I didn’t want to force it.

But if I admit it here, this place would become hell for him, so I spoke up unnecessarily.

“Yes, it seems there isn’t anything. But you know what? Even if it’s hell, isn’t it good because you’re with me?”

“…”

Did he just curse? Maybe not. He definitely said something, but the sound of the water from the shower was too loud for me to hear properly. The water pressure drowned out the soft murmur of his voice. I felt guilty for having shattered the illusion he had clung to for so long, knowing that I might have left him feeling depressed for the rest of his life. I could only hope that his answer was positive. Even if I had dragged him down to rock bottom, I wanted him to believe we could be happy, because we were together. And if he couldn’t, then I would have to make it happen. After all, if not me, who else would?