DI Ch 213

It would have been lonely and miserable to be alone and anxious while the other person was fine. It was fortunate that we were both broken, not just one of us. It doesn’t sound like a good thing at first, but that’s what I mean if one thinks positively. As I got further away, I wanted to see him again, so I paused on my way out and quietly looked at the face shadowed by the cozy lighting on the phone screen. Was it because of the dream I had today? I felt something heavily gripping my ankle.

“Hyung.”

-…

“Seong-je hyung.”

-…

I called twice, but there was no movement as if he was in a deep sleep. …Is he really sleeping? Seeing him sleep like the dead made my mouth go dry. Although this happens every morning, the anxiety rising more than usual today might be because of the nightmare I had. So it must be just my mood. We just made eye contact and talked a moment ago, so he couldn’t have suddenly died.

Still, unable to bear it, I finally returned to the room. Knowing I was being excessive, I entered carefully on purpose, but the room was so quiet that I couldn’t even hear his faint breathing… When that silence felt not just eerie but chilling, I finally understood why he had been so afraid of seeing me sleep. This is what it’s like to live with anxiety.

Just like him from some time ago, I gently laid my head on his chest and closed my eyes. The heartbeat seemed to resemble its owner, even its sound seeming affectionate, and a strange feeling of being moved washed over me. How wonderful it would be if I could listen to this forever. The sound of waves that I used to love the most had long since been pushed far back. After staying like that for a few minutes, either because I was hugging him tightly or because my head on his chest was heavy, hyung woke up again and asked drowsily:

“…Are you done playing?”

I smiled as he couldn’t even open his eyes when I shook my head. But I said I’d go for a run, not that I’d go play.

“I just came back for a moment because I missed you.”

“I see…”

I quietly agreed, liking the drawling tone that’s hard to hear except at times like this. Yes, that’s what happened. Then he gently stroked my head. It was actually just moving his fingers through my hair, so it was only ticklish, but it felt good all the same, so I just let him.

“How long did you run…”

“Hyung.”

“Mm…”

“I love you.”

“…”

Before I could hear his answer, his husky voice gradually subsided, and I read his lips by intuition. When I kissed the lips that had uttered those beautiful words, relief spread where anxiety had been. My legs felt lighter, and I even had the optimistic thought that I could run for hours without a problem.

I was about to poke his sleeping face with my finger, but I stopped, thinking I might wake him up again. He must have been sleepy because the hand that was stroking the back of my head had already stopped. Swallowing my disappointment, I got up.

Being alive is a good thing. Leaving behind the subordinate who naturally tagged along with my satisfaction, I traced my memories of last night. Sand is a gentle puppy, and I wonder why they left him at the end of this maze of paths, though he’s a bit big for a puppy.

The gate I finally found and its wood grain felt new in the morning light, so I used that as an excuse to linger. Should I just go? Thinking I should take one more look, I opened the door slightly, and there was Sand, busy sniffing with his nose buried under a large tree first thing in the morning.

“Sand.”

Seeing its thoughtless appearance, I called out to Sand without thinking. But Sand’s reaction was so enthusiastic that I had to hurriedly close the gate. He was jumping up and down with joy, either reacting to its name or just happy to be called by a person. As I was massaging my stiff neck and considering whether to come back to meet him again next time, Sand started whining pitifully and scratching at the door.

“Sand, sit.”

The other side of the door immediately went quiet. Admirably, he seemed to have obeyed my command and sat down quietly. When my tense body slowly relaxed with emotion, I gathered my courage and reached my hand through the gap in the door. My palm was soaked in no time, and his teeth didn’t even graze my skin, making me laugh at what I had been afraid of all this time.

“Come here. It’s been a while.”

Less than ten minutes into our light trot, all I could think about was how glad I was that Sand likes people, and it was fortunate that people like him. People kept approaching subtly, making me stop to drink some water, asking if my legs were okay while gently petting Sand as they passed by. When I stop like that, burly men in black suits gather stealthily from early morning and talked about Sand’s preferences, which was just so funny.

They say Sand liked small toys rather than big ones, and that it have a habit of collecting and hoarding random things in corners… I thought I wouldn’t be able to get close to these people, but now it seemed we might become friends over Sand. To be honest, I didn’t have any particular expectations for them, for hyung’s people. This applied to moral aspects and social issues as well. I only hoped for one thing. I just wanted them to treat hyung well. Maybe they hope the same from me.

Since things had turned out this way, I hoped they’d each give me some advice for my future. Dreaming of becoming a lawyer with impure motives was certainly bad, but wasn’t it silly to worry about such things there? Everywhere must have been short-staffed, so wouldn’t it have been great if there were more people to work? If I started preparing in earnest, would they acknowledge me? Or would they cringe in disbelief? Well, there had seemed to be noticeably fewer incidents and accidents there than I had known of, and the laws were subtly different too. Saying I wanted to become a lawyer there must have seemed like a joke. By then, they probably wouldn’t have treated me like a child anymore. It was a little disappointing, but it was to be expected. How old was I to be treated like a child forever?

As my thoughts wandered and I tried to stop them by speeding up, Sand got more excited and rushed ahead. How long did I run like that? In the end, I ruined my pace and ran in a mess, to the point where I couldn’t even hear the sound of insects. Unable to let go of my growing dissatisfaction, I made a small mistake. Thinking I should rest for a while, I walked over to the nearest patch of ground to rest, and after about thirty minutes? Someone suddenly picked a fight with a sullen voice.

“Move. That’s my spot.”

As Sand and I turned our heads together, Tae Seong-je was frowning with an obvious low pressure. I couldn’t speak due to my heavy breathing, so I tried to catch my breath first. My mouth fell open at the sight of hyung using a fake throw to chase away Sand, pretending to have something in his hand. Sand, which had been sitting quietly beside me, bounced away like a bullet without even bothering to greet hyung.

While I was catching my breath, hyung, who sat down next to me, didn’t say anything. He just seemed to be trying to collect himself. He also seemed to be in a bad mood, disliking himself for it. Understanding how he felt, I offered comfort by simply staying quietly beside him instead of saying unnecessary words. As I was closing my eyes and appreciating the sound of cicadas, I suddenly heard a sigh.

When I opened my eyes, I saw a face that looked worse than before and asked,

“What are you thinking about?”

“The same as you.”

But I wasn’t thinking anything right now.

“…”

“…”

I just rolled my eyes at the person who answered without even looking at me in this low pressure.

“I love you too.”

At my belated response, his eyes, which had been almost glaring at empty space, turned towards me and softened at the same time.

“You’ve become a bit more perceptive.”

“I’ve grown.”

I smiled playfully along with his mischievous look. I had guessed because it seemed like he wanted something, and I’m glad I was right. As he reached out his arm, pretending to pat my shoulder while actually pulling me into his arms, I also pretended not to notice and snuggled into his embrace, fiddling with his waist.

“How’s your stomach?”

“I’m hungry.”

“Not that.”

As I failed to understand, he pressed his lips to my forehead and asked again.

“Has your indigestion gotten better?”

“Oh, yes. Come to think of it, I don’t think I had indigestion yesterday. I was just in a bad mood.”

“Bullshit.”

I almost burst out laughing at his bitter tone. He must not be fully awake yet. Knowing how difficult mornings are for him, I took his large hand and pressed it firmly, as if giving a massage, intending to help. As I touched him, half with sincerity and half with self-interest, the sound of cicadas gradually grew louder. Perhaps because there were mountains nearby, the sound seemed to echo particularly strongly.

“…Summer seems to be early this year.”

“Yeah. The cicadas are already buzzing.”

It’s quite hot now, but it’s only May. It’s so hot that the midsummer, which hasn’t even started yet, is frightening, and yet the cicadas are singing. I absent-mindedly watched Sand, which was busy playing alone, seemingly having so much fun, while cooling off the beads of sweat in the wind.

I narrowed my eyes at the hot hand on my shoulder and the heat, breathing in sync with the breath touching my cheek. As we repeated inhaling and exhaling together, spending a lazy morning, a thought suddenly struck me. Isn’t this the life I’ve been wanting?

It felt somewhat unfamiliar to see that ideal picture, which had been a dream, unfolding before my eyes, making it feel less real. Sometimes I lose the sense of reality like this. Both I and hyung clearly died, yet here we are, talking and touching each other. Especially when we’re alone, it sometimes feels like a dream.

I wondered if hyung had such an ability. It’s nonsense, but doesn’t it seem possible? Of course, if he heard this, he’d tell me to come to my senses. Or he might sarcastically praise me, saying something like, “Such supernatural powers would only belong to your younger sibling,” in a not-at-all impressed tone. It was predictable even without seeing it.

Of course, I too would only respond by shrugging my shoulders half-heartedly, matching his indifferent attitude. It’s insincere, but that’s all there was to it. After all, is he some kind of god? If he could chase away this heat, then I might think he’s omnipotent, but in reality, he’s just a kid busy worrying about the June mock exam.

“I know it’s way too late to ask this now, but can I ask you something?”

I said one thing, but of course, I don’t intend to ask just one question.

“How did you do it?”

“Do what? Speak properly.”

“The people who kidnapped me.”

When I clearly stated the subject, a strange smile appeared on his indifferent face.