DI Ch 36

“Woo-jong-ah, those people are no good to me. How dare they when the old man thinks I’m so endearing, right?”

[You, how dare you talk to your father like that…]

“Right, don’t you think so.”

“Yeah, you’re right. You’re right about everything. But shouldn’t you treat your colleagues better as a result? Hm?”

“Well.”

[Hey, you haven’t even established yourself like your colleagues have, have you? What good does it do to act tough? You should know to bow your head and think ahead. Why do you keep being stubborn and rigid with your pride? You’ll end up losing in the end.]

I could feel Tae Seong-je get up from the bed. His broad shoulders were visible through my wet eyelashes. Tae Seong-je leaned on the veranda and quietly looked down at the night sea. I wanted Tae Seong-je to come back and hug me. I needed something to rely on. I was so scared of being a fool that I wanted him to comfort me. That everything was fine. That nothing would happen…

There was the sound of lighting a fire. And even the sound of exhaling smoke. The opaque white curtains blew in the wind and swirled around him with a haze of smoke.

[Why don’t you say anything? You’re not really in trouble, are you? No, right?]

“No.”

[No, then why the fuck are you hitting the beach at such an important time!]

Tae Seong-je said in a lighthearted tone.

“For a date.”

[What fucking date.]

“Woo-jong-ah. It’s not what you think.”

[Oh, what else.]

Tae Seong-je chuckled in a low voice.

“It was better than I thought to see flowers and the sea at night with my baby.”

The sound of the man clicking his tongue was loud. Tae Seong-je responded quickly to what he muttered and flicked his fingers lightly to shake off the cigarette ash.

“That’s right. I’m proud of myself too.”

[Yes, yes. You must be. How proud would you be to go to the beach with a kid who was in high school a few months ago and fuck him? Ugh, you fucking asshole. Aren’t you going to slap your wrist? Don’t play with people, man! What’s wrong with that kid?]

“Who is playing with whom?”

The man laughed loudly at the natural answer. Like he heard something really funny.

[That’s funny. Are you serious then? I’ve never seen you seriously dating someone. Hey, if I date someone normally, I’ll cut off my balls. What kind of relationship is a guy who treats people like dogs or cats? Tae Seong-je, why don’t you just mess around in the room, huh? Don’t ruin an innocent kid’s life.]

“I’m not like that bastard Kang Ki-jae. I keep it clean down there, so I don’t like that.”

“Really something to be proud of.”

“That’s right, it is.”

The man clicked his tongue at Tae-seong-je’s words and grumbled. The man was spreading happy information about who the problem was and who was looking for him. Sometimes he tried to console him by saying, “Let’s get along well since we’re like family.” Tae Seong-je listened to him patiently for a while, then interrupted his words like someone who forgot to ask for the morning menu.

“But Woo-jong-ah.”

[Why.]

“How did you know I was meeting someone who had just graduated?”

[…]

Tae Seong-je laughed softly. After such a noisy moment, the room grew eerily quiet with the sound of a familiar phone call ending abruptly. Through my blurry vision, I saw him smoking a cigarette silently.

Tae Seong-jae’s back was more like a successful young businessman, but he didn’t look like a gangster. He didn’t look like a really bad person. Just as you can’t judge something by its appearance, the same goes for what’s inside. I still felt insecure, even though he was being nice to me. It was because I didn’t know his true feelings. I also didn’t know the development. So I thought I shouldn’t ruin the relationship as much as possible.

But why was it so difficult? Why am I so confused?

When Woo Ji-min learned of Seo Seung-won’s suicide, he reacted angrily to Tae Seong-je. Crazy bastard. You don’t even feel bad. Even if you live like that for the rest of your life and come to regret it, it will be pointless. Not only that, but he also criticized him, saying that Seo Seung-won didn’t kill himself, but Tae Seong-je was who killed him.

Then Tae Seong-je laughed and said, ‘If you had listened to me in the first place, no one would have died.’ He showed no sympathy for the person who had committed suicide in shock of being deceived by their lover. He was truly shameless.

However, the current Tae Seong-je is affectionate. He was so good to me.  Despite his busy schedule, he comforts me and smiles when we make eye contact. My entire body would tickle when he smiled so beautifully that his dimples were visible. I shook like a paper doll at that smile.

It was just uncomfortable that it was all an illusion. A realization came silently and mocked me. Tae Seong-je treats people in the same way he treats dogs and cats. As the man said, to Tae Seong-je, people were no different from dogs or cats. He disliked dogs who couldn’t recognize their owners, but he admired dogs who were good and well-behaved.

I was no different from a pet to him.

Knowing what he did for me was like learning how to handle an anxious dog, petting and cuddling me like a kitten. When I thought about it, everything made sense. I’m his dog, not a stray or a stray cat, so he took me for walks to make me feel better.

However, he didn’t see me as an equal human being, so he never treated me as an equal. Maybe he saw me as a person when we were in bed together. It was strange to sleep with an animal, so he might have seen me as a person then. It was a little funny. It was a very convenient structure. Tae Seong-je really lived as he pleased.

Tae Seong-je didn’t see me as special, he just used me. He wasn’t a man who waste opportunities, so he used me to find out who was selling his information and who was getting it. He probably didn’t even think about my safety.  Even if he did, what would it matter? My safety would be worth nothing compared to the value of taking out a traitor. His priority would be himself, the only human, not an animal.

Tae Seong-je was not the anomaly. It was me.

The idea that I was becoming Seo Seungwon from the start was an excuse. I told myself that I should never fall for him, but I made an excuse by saying it was Seo Seung-won because I was desperately falling into him. Blaming Seo Seungwon and claiming that I had no luck was ultimately spitting on my own face. It was shocking, but not disappointing. I just muttered to myself over and over again. That’s right. Tae Seong-je, if that’s what you want…

Meanwhile, Tae Seong-je finished his cigarette and put it out in the ashtray. He turned around and came inside. The bitter smell of cigarettes seeped into my nostrils. I closed my eyes and rubbed my eyes on the pillow to hide the tears. Tae Seong-je approached me, leaned on the edge of the bed, and kissed my cheek.

Ah, he’s so affectionate, but he didn’t have feelings for me. My stomach churned and my mood turned sour. Even though I’d slept, I felt tired. I still wanted him to hold me, but I also wanted him to disappear into the distance. It seemed that I liked him more than I thought. So, was I originally gay? I didn’t know, but I couldn’t help but feel different somehow.

“Are you awake? Hyung has to go now, but would you like to go with me now, or do you want to sleep more and then take a taxi?”

“With hyung… I want to go with you, hyung.”

I muttered in a low voice. Tae Seong-je smiled. As if I’m cute. He must have realized that someone other than him was stealing my personal information, but he pretended not to know, and his face was very stern. I looked at him blankly and asked. I was genuinely curious.

“What’s wrong?”

“There’s someone who really hates me playing around. They’re telling me to stop playing and come up.”

Tae Seong-je smiled dryly. Well. Isn’t he going to get that guy’s ass kicked? I looked at his sly smiling face, but Tae Seong-je’s expression suddenly hardened. I was forced to rise from my seat with the back of my neck grabbed before I could even flinch. Tae Seong-je hurriedly covered my nose with the blanket. Oh, I’m bleeding again.

“Why is this happening again?”

“It’s okay… It will stop after a while.”

Because I had my nose so tightly pressed, my voice sounded nasally saying, “It’s fine. I’m going to be fine.” It sounded ridiculous. My voice sounded funny as if I were inhaling helium gas. However, Tae Seong-je did not laugh at all. He could have smiled.

Tae Seong-je lifted me up and moved to the side where my backpack was and sat down on the floor. I was sitting on his thigh and leaning on his shoulder covering my nose. I wiggled my toes as if I was a child sitting on my parents’ legs.

The blood stopped quickly. Even as I frantically wiped my face and lips with wet wipes, I didn’t pull away from Tae Seong-je’s embrace. His thighs pressed against my hips, and his forearms wrapped around my waist felt strong and secure. Being so close, I could smell the scent of Tae Seong-je’s shampoo. I also used motel shampoo to wash my hair, so it should smell the same. Tae Seong-jae began rummaging through my backpack while I was sniffing. The compass and tablet rolled across the floor.

“You also carried some kind of medicine with you back then. Is there anything now?”