DI Ch 39

I passed the time by kicking a stone that was rolling around on the ground. Tae Seong-je, who had come out, did not come straight to me but leaned against the fence and his arms spread wide with his hands in his coat pockets. I could see that his usually immaculate shirt was slightly wrinkled because of me. His wide-open arms seemed to indicate that he wanted to be hugged, so I opened my arms and hugged him around the waist. Tae Seong-jae then laughed quietly to himself.

“No. It’s a little chilly right now, so come inside and eat.”

“Ah.”

“Turn around.”

Tae Seong-je drew his coat over me to block out the cold wind as I leaned my back against his chest. It wasn’t completely covered, but it was warm. Leaving behind my embarrassment, I rummaged through the bag, took out a hot bar, and blew into it to cool it down.

I brought it near Tae Seong-je’s mouth, who couldn’t use his hands because he was hugging me, and he took a big bite. I also ate a hot bar. It was so-so, but it was warm, so it was pretty good. We listened to the waves while we filled our stomachs. The lighting made it slightly brighter, allowing me to see the movement of the waves and the white foam.

I was mesmerized by this peaceful moment without even realizing it. Yellow seagulls began to appear one or two at a time and fly in the sky. It seemed like quite some time had passed. Did I bother a busy person for nothing…? I should have asked him to go back. What if he gets in trouble? But is there anyone who would scold Tae Seong-je?

“Seung-won-ah.”

His voice snapped me out of my thoughts and I looked up.

“Ah, yes. Please eat.”

“That’s not it. I’m just calling you by your first name.”

Tae Seong-je chuckled and called my name again after a while. I looked at him with a suspicious gaze while looking at his deeply wrinkled eyes. Did he just call me again for no reason? Fooling around without a reason. I maintained eye contact with him every time he called me and opened my mouth again.

“Hyung. Let’s go eat the curry we had last time later. It was really delicious there…”

I’ll buy it this time. I was about to say that, but I stopped and spoke again the way I’d been taught.

“The meals my hyung buys are the best, so please buy them again.”

Tae Seong-je continued to look at me without avoiding my eyes, then suddenly gave strength to his arms and hugged me tighter. When I grunted that I was suffocating, Tae Seong-je ruffled my hair.

“What’s wrong with you, why do you suddenly act like this every time our eyes meet. Did the sea make you feel better? We should come here more often.”

It seems like he knew that I was always watching him, trying to figure him out. Deceiving him was definitely not an easy task. I was lucky that I didn’t have to time my actions and think carefully about them when dealing with Tae Seong-je.

I carefully stirred the warmed porridge, then scooped a spoonful into his mouth. Tae Seong-je took it obediently. He opened his mouth to speak, wondering if this would be enough to fill him up and if he should be fed something more.

“It’s true that the sea is good, but… It’s because I realized that I like you so much.”

At my words, Tae Seong-je slightly opened his collar. I flinched from the sudden cold wind and when I looked up to see what it was, he whispered to me to turn around. I did as I was told, turning around and snuggling into his arms. I closed my eyes and leaned my ear against his chest. Thump, thump, thump. I could hear his heart beating. It sounded so nice that I wanted to keep listening.

“This is bad.”

“Are you really late now?”

“No. It’s about you, not me.”

Tae Seong-je put his chin on the top of my head and pressed me hard.

“What are you going to do? I think I like you a little more than I thought.”

“Really? Wow.”

As I admired it without knowing, Tae Seong-je kept joking around and scaring me by saying that I was in trouble. I wasn’t sure how much ‘more’ he meant, but I couldn’t help but smile at the thought of him treating me like a lover.

Then can I ask him out for a walk and have another date like this? Can we go somewhere to have fun together? Can we spend the holidays together? I wasn’t sure if he liked me or was just bored at first, but now I know for sure. He really likes me.

It was really time to go back. I got into the car and fastened my seat belt.  He squeezed and touched me so much that my body was warm despite the cold outside. Furthermore, after getting into the car with the heater turned on, I began to feel sleepy shortly after we left. My eyelids fluttered down and up as if I hadn’t gotten enough sleep.

In the middle of a drowsy dream, Tae Seong-je spoke.

“I’m going to be busy, so I won’t be able to contact you much.”

“Again?”

“…”

I yawned and forced myself to empty the contents of my stomach, and suddenly realized I’d said something that sounded like I wasn’t particularly pleasant. I corrected myself, wondering if I’d offended him.

“That, how long?”

“well… I think it will take quite a while this time.”

I nodded in understanding as he told me that he wouldn’t be available until mid-May. I wasn’t disappointed, but I hoped that I could still call him in the morning. He’s already an early riser, so he might take a few minutes in his spare time. Since he is a person who takes care of himself wherever he is, it would be beneficial to watch him exercise via video calls and read a book together.

After a while of silence, he continued.

“I’ll text you often.”

“Oh, that’s okay. I’ll wait. I’m good at waiting.”

It’s a pity, but I smiled with satisfaction that he would still contact me. No one could possibly wait as well as I could. I endured quietly for 19 years, even when my father slapped me on the cheek, broke my shinbone, or beat me on a weekday. Even after moving here, I endured a sick body for a year and four months, with only one belief that I could solve it even if I had to disappear. So it will be the same this time. As a reward for patiently waiting, I’ll ask him to go far away like now.

“You must be tired. Sleep more. I’ll wake you up when we get there.”

His voice seemed to be lower than usual for some reason. I yawned and shook my head, thinking it was just my mood. How could I do that with someone driving.

“I want to talk to you more.”

He laughed.

“What shall we talk about?”

Well. First of all, it was impossible to talk about what Tae Seong-je could not enjoy or have. College, family, honor, and mediocrity. Neither could be discussed, so it seemed like the depth and breadth of the conversation would be limited once again. Then what should I talk about? I spoke impulsively as I stared blankly at the blue sky and cherry blossom road.

“…Hyung, why did you tell me to contact you back then?”

“Because I didn’t want to let you go.”

“Why?”

“Well. I was attracted to you and I also felt something for you.”

It was an ambiguous word, but the conversation didn’t continue any further. It was a Tae Seong-je-like answer, but it was also not an answer, so I looked at him and wondered what it meant. Before I could find an answer, Tae Seong-je spoke again while sneaking a sly glance at me.

“There’s nothing cute about a clumsy kid from head to toe. Don’t you think so?”

I wondered why he was asking me that… was he hoping I’d say yes, or was he curious to hear my response, and if not, why was he pushing me to answer? He’s someone who dislikes being ignored.

My eyes briefly closed as I yawned. Tae Seong-je’s smile faded as he noticed me drifting off to sleep. I was sleepy, but I raised the corner of my mouth, hoping he’d also smile. I met his warm yet slightly meaningful gaze, so I couldn’t tell if he was smiling or not.

“This is a bit risky…”

Tae Seong-je muttered self-deprecatingly with his arms resting on the window and covering his mouth. I nodded and asked again, as my voice seemed to be fading away.

“…What is?”

“Me.”

“Why…is hyung…”

Another yawn followed as my voice trailed off. I want to hear more of his voice, but I’m too sleepy. I wouldn’t be able to see him for weeks if I didn’t see him today. With a full stomach, warm air, and the person I like beside me. I knew I would have good dreams if I slept like this. I couldn’t help but smile in anticipation.

The dark surroundings blurred and gradually brightened. I felt light as if I were floating. I realized I was in school when I focused my eyes. It was quiet, and I was sitting next to a senior. The senior was wearing gym shorts, so it seemed to be gym class.

Why am I with him? I sneaked up on him, intrigued by the memory of never seeing him before. I stole a glance at him, and the few memories I had of him flooded my mind. He was the man I had admired and envied when I was seventeen.

The sun wasn’t shining, so everything was slightly shadowed, but the greenery around them was still vivid. The T-shirt I was wearing was quite large, revealing a glimpse of my white shoulders. It’s common to wear a short-sleeved T-shirt underneath your school uniform, but I always wear mine neatly, so it was strange for me to dress like this. Even the T-shirt I was wearing was something I had never seen before.

Oh, clothes that don’t belong to me.

I suddenly remembered how things had been. I suddenly remembered what the situation was like. I remembered this. I went to the gym because it was gym class, but I spilled milk on my clothes and had to borrow the gym clothes again quickly. I was searching through my vague memories when the memory began to play like a video.