DI Ch 81
by SpringlilaNo, how does the story flow like that? I shook my head in disbelief. Tae Seong-je came closer with a distorted face. He sat next to me and grabbed my forearm, his eyes more serious than ever. Tae Seong-je asked seriously.
“Are you also getting this angry? Are you seeking revenge? Did I act so annoyingly?”
“What. No, no, no! Of course, I thought you were annoying at first, and I still think that way sometimes, but it’s not because you’re annoying! I swear!”
I hastily shook my head due to the slip of the tongue, but Tae Seong-je, who was already shocked, muttered in a low voice.
“You. … Did you think I was annoying?”
“No! Hyung, you’re not that annoying!”
“…You’re not completely denying it.”
I tried to convince him that it wasn’t like that, really, but eventually he returned to his usual self and comforted me. Thanks to him, my headache and dizziness improved. I’d been holding it in since earlier, but if this continued, I’d vomit and even have a nosebleed.
Maybe it’s because this was a different conversation than usual. It felt unusual because it seemed like a deeper conversation than I expected. Are we not usually having this kind of conversation? It felt awkward and strange.
As I fidgeted, he took both my hands in his and spoke as casually and affectionately as he always did.
“Okay. Let’s talk about this later.”
“Yes.”
“We have plenty of time, so let’s take it slow.”
“…”
“Then let me ask you one more thing.”
“Yes. Ask me anything.”
I remembered that he had already said he would only ask one more question, but I nodded readily. If his mood could improve, if I could defuse this increasingly strange atmosphere, I was willing to answer any question.
“It’s always been like this.”
Tae Seong-je suddenly pulled up the sleeve of my gown. I flinched involuntarily at his sudden action.
“Did you think hyung did not know?”
“Oh, this is…”
“Was I blind? How did I see this just now?”
I unconsciously wriggled to get away, but I couldn’t move because my wrists were tightly held. As I examined my forearm under his gaze, there were clear nail marks, so distinct that it would be impossible to excuse it as a cat scratch. It was a trace of self-harm.
“What is this. Why did you do that?”
“…”
“It must have hurt.”
“…”
“Why did you do it if you hate pain?”
Well… It was because having a headache was worse than having a sore forearm? It was because dizziness and the urge to vomit are harder to endure than a sore forearm? How can I explain this chronic pain to you? It’s someone else’s body, and even if I wanted to use it with care and return it, I would be in so much pain to do so.
I didn’t want to think about it anymore. To be precise, I wanted to stop. I had been trying so hard not to vomit like a patient with a terminal illness in front of Tae Seong-je, but now I didn’t want to show blood. Thinking that I had tried hard enough, I moved my tightly closed lips softly to form a convincing smile.
“Seong-je hyung. Next to the dragon. So, it’s about here.”
I casually mentioned something else and naturally released the hand that had been holding me. I poked his shoulder right there.
“I think it would be pretty if there were flowers here. How about getting some flower tattoos too?”
“Are you crazy?”
He seemed to dislike the idea so much that he grimaced openly. His lips immediately turned displeased. It seemed that he didn’t like that I had blatantly changed the subject. Still, pretending not to notice, I continued with my trivial chatter.
“It would look really cool, honestly. Even just one flower. There’s nothing that doesn’t suit you, hyung. I think something like a traditional Korean pattern would suit you.”
“It’s not that it doesn’t suit me.”
I smiled broadly while watching Tae Seong-je shake his head as if he really disliked it. I was grateful that he followed along, pretending not to know. I was content with the way he did this for me.
This year was particularly difficult until summer arrived. There were too many people to worry about, and the resulting stress was always too much for me to handle. So I hoped that this person would at least be generous to me.
Hoping it wouldn’t be too much, I put my arms around his neck and climbed onto his thigh.
“Hyung, you know.”
“Why.”
He answered dryly as if he had declared that he would not care what I wanted. Because of that, what I wanted to say next felt even more embarrassing, so I whispered it as if in a secret conversation.
“You can put it in raw today.”
I didn’t think my permission was necessary, but from his perspective, it might add some fun to the situation. And it seemed to have hit the mark. Tae Seong-je looked genuinely excited.
***
Time passed by so quickly. I wasted three days of being with him all day like that. On the last night, I yawned while watching the dusk disappear. The consequences of the relationship we had formed on the first day were more significant than I had anticipated.
As I stretched, I glanced at my forearm, which now had a large handprint on it. The nail marks I had made had faded in just one day, but this one seemed like it would take several days to disappear. I didn’t mind the trail he left, or the fact that he was so excited because of me. Honestly, it was entertaining.
In fact, it was a sensation closer to exhilaration than mere amusement. I enjoyed that Tae Seong-je got overly excited because of me, even if it made his control a bit clumsy and left marks all over my body. It was a bit unsightly to see that it was all blurry and nowhere in good condition.
Nevertheless, it made me feel loved in his own way. My completely tattered body throbbed and tingled wherever his hands had grabbed and touched. But compared to my usual pain, this was really nothing.
It was just that in this scorching summer, I was in a position where I couldn’t even consider wearing anything other than long-sleeved shirts, and not just any long sleeves but black ones… Suddenly, I felt like I understood why he always wore black shirts.
My face wasn’t an exception when it came to the skin not healing properly. There were still marks on both cheeks and on my jawline. It looked like I needed to apply a big bandage, like someone who had taken a hit from a sledgehammer. I wanted to go to the lounge, but I couldn’t go anywhere, let alone to the pool.
Well, it was a mess, and I couldn’t walk properly, so it was a problem in many ways. Tae Seong-je roughly cleared away the condoms piled up under the bed and brought some ointment to apply to my body. He only applied it to the areas where there were still marks. There were still many conversations to be had, but for now, I just hoped this lazy moment would continue.
I had been a bit annoyed because he used condoms even though it was okay not to, but the clean-up was meticulous, so I was satisfied. Any tiredness and exhaustion I felt seemed to have disappeared, and I was just feeling sleepy. My back hurt, my legs were shaky, and I couldn’t move, but it was alright. After all, this person would take care of everything.
***
The next afternoon, I went to see the beach and the sandy shore that I had always wanted to visit. And that too overseas, through zombie movies…
I casually watched the movie’s characters trapped in a building with no way out. One of the actors began to escape by climbing the wall instead of using the collapsed stairs. The building floor below had collapsed, so there was only one chance. Soon enough, one of the actors died. Now, there were only three survivors left. And shortly after, another one fell.
I looked at the two actors, who had completely lost their confidence and spoke confidently.
“Hyung. Even if the world ends up like that, I’ll protect you. I can escape even with you. I have climbing equipment, so it’s okay if you stumble. Don’t worry; I’ve also learned rock climbing. I’ll lead the way.”
He was gently stroking my bruised forearm, but his gaze dropped from the TV screen and fell on me with a very anxious look.
“…Why do you carry that stuff around?”
“Because you can’t predict the future.”
Soon, the only survivor escaped. Perhaps because he was the protagonist, he was the one who survived. While staring in despair at the completely deserted building, the protagonist suddenly climbs into a car in the parking lot. He got in the car despite the fact that he didn’t have a driver’s license. Before the actor, who was shedding tears, had time to sink in his sadness, the sound of a zombie growling was heard. The protagonist suddenly came to his senses and began to leave towards the cliff. His complexion was gloomy and gaunt as if he was thinking of committing suicide.
“Waah… He didn’t have a license and he still drives better than me. He’s good at running away.”
Lying on Tae Seong-je’s chest, I reached out towards a plate of summer fruits. I bit into a peach as soon as I got it in my hand. It was so juicy that it dripped down my forearm. We were both undressed, so there was no trouble with the juice getting on our clothes, but I eagerly licked the juice to avoid getting it on our new bedding. Why was it so rich and sweet?
“Is it delicious?”
“Yes. Hyung, have some too.”
“You should eat a lot.”
After he had tasted the juice on my lips, he took out the ointment again and applied it to my body. During that time, I indulged in eating and watching the movie.
“I would have already been caught and killed by the zombies over there. How can zombies be that fast?”
“…”
“You know, hyung.”
“Yeah.”
“No matter how much I want to die as a human being and not a zombie. Suicide is definitely not it.”
That’s right. Suicide is definitely not it. I clicked my tongue and focused on the movie again.
The film, which had been progressing slowly, started to unfold as the protagonist soon encountered another survivor. After some contemplation, the protagonist finally changes course to rescue them. The TV actors, who had been agonizing over whether to leave the car and hide in the forest, cried out that this place was a nightmare.
Watching that scene reminded me of myself from last year, and I let out a bitter laugh. I missed it. It felt like just yesterday that I was crying like that, and now I was enjoying a special date with my lover. It wasn’t a movie theater, but it was still satisfying to watch a movie in a hotel room and chat.
My eyes kept closing as I chuckled. My heavy eyelids finally gave way, and I began to doze off.