DI Ch 93

“There’s no need for me to go.”

“What if you get sick while you’re alone?”

“I can just stay with Hyung’s subordinate. There are a lot, so just lend me one person.”

“No. Everyone is busy.”

“Everyone?”

I’d already seen three CCTV men, four people guarding the entire floor we were staying on, and despite the fact that Tae Seong-je was always next to me, there were two people following me around the hotel. Everyone who had been fine until now was busy…

“Hyung, when I get counseling, would you like to receive it together instead of just listening? The counselor said that separation anxiety can be fixed if you put your mind to it. I fixed it quickly, so I’m sure you can do it too.”

“…”

Tae Seong-je pressed my head firmly without saying anything. I squirmed against his rock-hard thigh. He covered me with a blanket. The temperature inside the car was comfortable, so I didn’t get too hot even when I was wrapped in the blanket. But I didn’t want to sleep any longer. 

When I stopped resisting and looked beyond the window, I saw dense water droplets.

“It must have rained.”

It might have been a light rain. It hadn’t rained in the morning. There were no cumulus clouds in the sky, and the sun was shining brightly. It was so hot that I felt sticky.

“Sleep.”

“I don’t want to sleep… Please stop trying to make me sleep.”

I don’t know where we’re going, but the car continued to drive for more than 30 minutes. During that time, he was checking something on his pad, and I was dozing off again.

It was inside the car, and his thighs were too stiff to use as pillows, so I wondered if I could fall asleep, but it seemed like I had been experiencing the side effects of the medicine too easily.

Even though I’m taking it without complaining, I wanted to ask him to at least try to reduce the frequency. Maybe it would be okay If I only took it in the evening… But Tae Seong-je didn’t believe that alcohol was a medicine, so there was no way he would believe that a perfectly good medicine has side effects.

I closed my eyes and then opened them up when I heard the sound of the door closing. I felt a soft cushion under my head. Tae Seong-je was nowhere to be seen. I sat up and looked out the window.

It was still afternoon and the heavy tinting made it look dark outside, but I could still see everything. It looked like a high-end Hanok restaurant, but the cars parked close together were all black.

I almost screamed as I realized that the man outside was clearly a gangster. Isn’t this person crazy? No matter how worried he was about me, why did he bring me to such a place?

The driver, who had been silent the entire time, suddenly spoke as I was rubbing my forearms with my palms.

“Forearms.”

What a shock. I didn’t expect him to suddenly start a conversation, and my heart nearly leaped out of my chest. Someone told me that his nickname was Venomous Snake. His real name was Moon something. …I was afraid of making a mistake, so I had collected all my memories, both known and unknown, even making notes and tearing them into tiny pieces in case someone saw them. It had been several months since then, but I had already forgotten it. I had memorized it diligently, and the name with just three letters wasn’t coming to me.

“Uh, Forearms?”

“I heard you promised not to scratch.”

Why was that guy bragging about that? He said I made such a promise to his subordinates.

“…I didn’t scratch. I just rubbed it.”

There was no response. But the glare from Venomous Snake’s eyes in the mirror… It was really rude. What did I do? I almost asked why he was glaring at me like that. There have been quite a few times when I felt a bad feeling in someone’s eyes, and I need to add one more.

For some reason, Venomous Snake seemed to dislike me. It was understandable from his perspective. If I were him, I’d be worried and angry if my superior, whom I respected and admired, fell in love with a guy eight years younger than him and stopped working. Not to mention that this wasn’t just any superior, but Tae Seong-je.

It might feel a bit unfair, but I should do this well. It’s the right thing to do. I’ve been there too. Even though I’m used to seeing Tae Seong-je’s subordinates, it’s not right for me to sleep soundly while wrapping myself in blankets and using the lap of a man they respect as a pillow while a person drives in front of me.

I felt bad about displaying such a relaxed attitude after making an effort to appear good. Even looking at it objectively, I acknowledged that there was an issue with my attitude, and I said that I would be more cautious in a careful tone.

I took out a workbook and a pen from my bag and quietly solved the problem after neatly folding the tightly held blanket. Tae Seong-je paid for all the expenses while we were resting at the hotel, but I might end up looking like a gold digger. I had a tendency to think, ‘Tae Seong-je will fail in Part 2, and that money will be lost in vain.’

If I messed up the plot, he wouldn’t go bankrupt, and his money wouldn’t disappear like electronic money, so I felt like I needed to be a little careful about this. Anyway, let’s show him that I’m serious about my studies. Since I couldn’t go outside and had to spend quite a bit of time here, it worked out well.

Just as the silent gaze disappeared, I caught sight of the glass window. A heart. There was a heart drawn on it. Although it looked a bit strange due to the moisture falling off, it was clearly shaped like a heart drawn with fingers. Since it wasn’t wiped off, it looked like it had been drawn outside.

All the anger I had felt for a moment disappeared. My condition was not too bad, and my pace in solving the problems picked up. The moment the moist and humid air touched my skin, I hurriedly opened my eyes, fearing that the place would have changed without my realizing it.

As I gasped for breath, Tae Seong-je closed the door and came inside.

“Lie down. Did you fall asleep sitting up? Your back is going to hurt.”

I checked the sky while he patted my head. The sun was setting. Was it already evening? Just a while ago, it wasn’t even 3 o’clock.

“Hyung.”

“Aren’t you hungry? Shall we go eat meat?”

He said he was sorry for being late when he meant to come out earlier and that he would buy the yukhoe (seasoned raw beef) he had promised before. Even though he spoke kindly, my restless mind wouldn’t calm down. I lowered my head slowly and murmured.

“I don’t think this is real.”

I feel like I’ve been able to do everything I’ve never been able to do in my entire life by being next to him, and it was fun. I know I can’t keep doing this. It was impossible for him to be by my side 24 hours a day, and more than anything, I had things to do. The second semester was important, and I couldn’t let Kang Moo-hyun ruin it in this situation.

I understood his concern for me, but I hadn’t been able to study, exercise, or make any plans for the future for almost a month. Out of habit, I wiped my nose to see if it was bleeding again, but there were no drops of blood on the back of my hand.

My mind was hazy as if drugged, with no room for negative thoughts, so I was no longer in pain. Still, it was a side effect. I shouldn’t take the medication anymore.

I raised my head without noticing that even though Tae Seong-je had arrived, we hadn’t left yet. I needed to say that I had to rescind my promise. But the gaze I met was either tender or really cold. I hesitated, and my lips quivered, but I couldn’t produce any words.

“What’s wrong?”

“…”

“You probably have nothing to say. Are you going to say anything?”

It was frightening enough to cause the hair on my body to stand on end. The reason I never told my counselor, despite the fact that they were difficult to bear, was because the counselor never suggested that I consult with my doctor or reduce the number of doses I take. Both the counselor and the attending doctor were completely focused on pleasing Tae Seong-je.

If he is playing the role of my guardian now, Seo Seung-won’s parents played that role before. At that time, Seo Seung-won was a minor, so their decision-making power was stronger than mine, but this situation was different. In the end, I couldn’t say anything and just turned my head away. He smiled, and the car started moving forward.

I realized that I was imprisoned voluntarily and completely under his control. I had no authority or anything in my hands. I was too naive. Despite the kindness and appearance of his subordinates, they were, in fact, people under Tae Seong-je’s control and were like sturdy iron bars in a birdcage.

I may have been blinded by love and acted foolishly, but he was indeed quite assertive. The person I’m dating is not an actor who acts as a gangster; he is a real gangster. Park Kang-woo’s voice seemed to echo in my ears again. ‘You know and still dating him? Are you crazy?’

I know. I was crazy, but I’ve come to my senses now. But it’s too late.

In a terrifyingly fancy restaurant, I ate another delicious meal, and he watched as I took my evening medicine. The fish I was eating seemed to have a small thorn, and it bothered me. I gulped down water, but it felt like the pill was stuck in my throat.

He noticed my discomfort and shoved lemon candy into my mouth as if to soothe me. He said he carried three or four candies in his pocket instead of cigarettes because his mouth was bored, but his candy always found its way into my mouth after I took my medication. The candy was sour and sweet as it rolled over my tongue.

I made a choice that prioritized my love for you and my happiness. I have no regrets. However, if all I saw was looming anxiety and the future remained the same or even regressed, shouldn’t I think again?

Time passed quickly, like sand slipping through my fingers. The terrifying uncertainty of the approaching future clung to my arms, and the tremors wouldn’t stop. I stared blankly at the empty plate under the pouring drowsiness. Tae Seong-je, who had been sitting across from me, approached and held me tenderly. That’s all there was.

He didn’t believe me.

Aftereffects, alcohol, medicine, side effects. Frankly, I know he will never believe it. I tightened my grip on the strap of the bag I was holding in my hand. Realistically, I understand that this was the only way it could be. Who would believe me? It’s a relief that he’s not scared, despite knowing that I’m crazy.

A sense of loneliness brushed past my heart. It was a feeling different from betrayal. It was very complicated and difficult to define my current feelings in words,  but it seemed to be something close to loneliness.